Cathie Cortina died; poets everywhere sighed

PROSPECT – Cathie knew that it was her time, And would have wanted her obituary in rhyme. “Be creative,” she would tell us in jest, “I don’t want it to be like all the rest.”

Joe Heller, Essex Town 'Dawg Kecher'

Joe was a frequent shopper at the Essex Dump and he left his family with a house full of crap, 300 pounds of birdseed and dead houseplants that they have no idea what to do with. If there was ever a treasure that he snatched out from under you among the mounds of junk, please wait the appropriate amount of time to contact the family to claim your loot. We're available tomorrow.

Gary Bean, 65, stole a dog without regret

Knoxville - To the owner of the big skinny dog that disappeared from your North Knoxville front yard where you had chained her to a picnic table: Gary Bean stole her.

Thomas (Tomm) W.J. Mulligan, 'Exceptional Office Santa'

Tomm had spent the last few years lovingly caring for his wife, Iris, who has advanced dementia. He will be remembered by all who knew him, Except Iris of course. Everyone else though.

Beatrice Castle Kirk Gray, 96, third-generation kama'aina

New London - Beatrice Castle Kirk Gray, 96, a noncombatant survivor of Pearl Harbor and Watergate, died July 10, 2019, at Fleet Landing in Atlantic Beach, Fla., where she lived for 30 years.

Tim Schrandt, 55, fought a nun

To his siblings’ amazement, he was actually able to snag a good woman, Cheryl Murray, and hold on to her for the past 13 years, and as far as we know restraints were not used.

Sybil Marie Hicks, off to swim to the buoy and back

I finally have the smoking hot body I have always wanted … having been cremated. (H/T Peter Elikann)

Ossie Dahl, 64, retired for just a week

Ossie Dahl of Cortlandt Manor, NY would resent this obituary. Partially because he hates publicity, but mostly he'd be mad he left this world just one week into retirement.